


See Me

by silkmoth



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-13
Updated: 2011-03-13
Packaged: 2017-10-16 22:43:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/170187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkmoth/pseuds/silkmoth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin wonders if he had told one lie too many.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See Me

**Author's Note:**

> Coda for Episode "The Sins of the Father", Season 2.  
> Merlin’s POV. This is kind of important; Merlin does not know everything about Arthur’s birth, like Uther and Gaius do. Just saying.

The moment Merlin closed the door to his room, leaving the relieved physician behind, the smile left his face. _Now you’ve done it_ , he thought. _Some day in the future you will have to tell Arthur the truth about you, and that means he will know that you lied today._

Oh, Merlin knew that Uther wasn’t to blame for Ygraine’s death; Uther hadn’t known that the magic would take his wife away from him… nevertheless, the King was to blame for all the horrors that had happened and are yet to happen in Camelot. And Merlin was very sure that Arthur would not forgive him, the warlock, who had known all this.

Sitting down on the bed, Merlin rested his head in his hands. All he had wanted to do was protect Arthur from even more pain… and now he wondered if _this_ was the one lie which would cost him Arthur’s complete trust in the future. As so often lately, a part in him had screamed that he should tell the Crown Prince the truth. The lies were piling up more and more… and at the same time, Arthur started to trust Merlin more and more. This was a disaster waiting to happen.

But Merlin couldn’t tell him the truth now, could he? And that was the other thing that happened frequently. There was never the right time… and his heart was telling him that _when_ the time would come, it would be too late. Not too late for their destiny, but too late for trust, friendship and love. Arthur would unknowingly distance himself from the sorcerer; his pride would keep him away from more intimate feelings.

Merlin swiped his eyes with his sleeve impatiently. Neither Uther nor Gaius nor Arthur had backed Merlin into this corner; he managed that by himself. He could see himself in the future – on Arthur’s side, yes, but never close enough to touch, never close enough to feel.

But, as always, he didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t ask Gaius, he couldn’t ask Gwen… and the Dragon would probably fall off his rock and die laughing when it heard that the great warlock was in love with the Once and Future King.

Merlin swallowed and leaned back on the bed. There would be no sleep tonight, he knew it. Not only the images of tonight haunted him; no, somewhere out there was now an even more formidable enemy that Nimueh had been. What was it with women and their hatred? No sane man would ever…

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and before Merlin could say “Enter” or even sit up, the door was opened and one of the guards entered.

“Prince Arthur wants to see you now.”

Merlin just nodded and stood up, following the guard. He tried to ignore the voice of doom in his head.

***

Standing in front of Arthur’s door, Merlin steeled himself against everything that might happen now. He had no idea what Arthur wanted; hell, it hadn’t even been all too long since he had seen the prince. Merlin knew that this wasn’t about mucking things out, or polishing, or lightening a fire. He couldn’t see the future but still… his hair was standing up on end all over his body.

Whatever. Merlin knocked, didn’t wait for an answer and went in. Closing the door, he looked around. In the first moment, he thought himself alone but then he noticed some movement on the bed.

“Arthur?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

Merlin eyes went wide. Arthur sounded… the sorcerer ran towards the bed and opened the curtains. Then he just stood and stared for a moment. Arthur seemed to be devastated, to say the least. Hair going in every direction, wet cheeks, red eyes… he looked like he had been crying for hours.

The prince threw a short glance at him; then he sighed and buried his face in one of the pillows.

“Oh shit, Merlin,” he said, almost too quiet to be heard, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sent for you. Just… leave, all right?”

Merlin stood, frozen on the spot. In his mind, there was a war going on.

One side said, “Leave. Just cover him with a blanket, and say goodnight. Don’t do anything stupid. Tomorrow, he will tell you that if you ever breathe a word to someone that he had been crying he will put you in the stocks. Be glad he isn’t his father; at least he won’t threaten you with a death sentence. Don’t be stupid!”

The other side said, “This. Now. This is your last chance to make things right. Don’t ask me how, I have no idea. But if you leave now, you will regret it forever. Do something. Hell, give him a hug. He surely looks like he needs one. For once in history, don’t be stupid. Don’t run away like a coward.”

The second voice won. Sending a prayer to the Gods, Merlin decided to stay and help. And if this would cost him his head in the end, so be it. The fact that Arthur had called for him, even while in this state, told him everything he needed to know.

Merlin slipped out of his boots and lay down beside the other man, putting his left hand on Arthur’s back. He had just started a gentle rubbing when the prince raised himself on his left elbow and drew Merlin into his arms. Arthur clutched him tight and started to cry earnestly. At first, Merlin wasn’t even able to make out the words between the sobs; he just held on as tightly as he could. He knew, some tears had to be shed, and any attempts at hushing or soothing too soon would mean the tears would be closed down in the heart to be never wept.

Only the Gods knew how long Merlin held Arthur in his arms. After awhile, the prince calmed down some, but his grip on Merlin’s tunic got even tighter. The sorcerer just continued to stroke with one hand over the other man’s back while he petted his hair with his other hand. Merlin’s eyes were closed; he still didn’t know what to do or say.

Finally, the prince lifted his head and Merlin opened his eyes hesitantly. Arthur looked at him for the longest time.

“Why are _you_ crying, Merlin?”

Merlin closed his eyes again. What should he say?

“Because… I can’t help you. I wish I could make the pain go away. I feel helpless and… Gods. Arthur. You don’t know… there is so much you don’t know and I’m so scared…”

Arthur leaned his forehead against Merlin’s.

“But you _are_ helping me. Gods, Merlin, if not for you… I would have killed my father tonight. You were the only one who had been able to hold me back; I wouldn’t have listened to anyone else. You were right before, and I should have listened to you then; you tried to warn me from sorcery and… all of this was my fault. But thanks to you, it didn’t end in disaster.”

Arthur raised his head again and looked pathetically thankful at Merlin. Feeling helpless, Merlin looked back. He wondered if it was possible to die from guilt. In the next moment, the prince lowered his head and started to kiss him carefully. Merlin’s heartbeat doubled as he opened his lips and felt the first hint of tongue between them. So he had been right; the prince loved him, wanted him. Everything Merlin had ever wanted was his; he owned Arthur’s heart and…

With an unbelievable effort, Merlin drew his mouth back; he scrambled to the end of the mattress, away from Arthur.

“I can’t. Gods, Arthur, I can’t. Not like this…”

Before his eyes, Arthur paled. His eyes were huge, dark, disappointed and guilty at the same time.

“Merlin. I’m so sorry… I thought you… forgive me. Please. Please, I won’t…”

“No! No. I do. I really do want to… it’s just…,” Merlin closed his eyes for a moment, “I want you to see me. To really see me. And you can’t. And so I cannot…”

“What do you mean, I don’t see you? I see you. I lo…”

Merlin leaned forward quickly and put his hand over Arthur’s mouth.

“Don’t say it. Not now. I have to tell you something first, and when you still want to say it afterwards, I will more than welcome it. I’m yours anyway. Please remember this, no matter what you will hear now, I’m yours.”

“So speak. But know this. No matter what you will say, my feelings won’t change.”

Merlin swiped his eyes again and again; for the life of him, he couldn’t stop crying. But he wanted one last clear look at Arthur; at an Arthur, who didn’t know, who loved him. Then he took a deep breath.

“My mother sent me to Camelot to become Gaius’ apprentice because she feared for me. In Ealdor, people had begun to suspect that something’s not right with me. And when I arrived in Camelot, the first thing I saw was a sorcerer being beheaded and your father wanting to celebrate this with a feast. I… I didn’t know that magic was forbidden here. I don’t know if my mother knew this… I just don’t know. I try to not think about it because… you see, I’m a… warlock.”

Before what he just had said could register in Arthur’s expression, Merlin closed his eyes. He went on.

“I knew I had to keep my head down. I mean, I’m not evil. I didn’t seek out magic, I didn’t learn spells, I was born this way. It was hard to hide it, and I admit, there were times here where I didn’t want to hide anymore. Gai… the people who knew told me I’m special, that I’m born of the Old Religion. But I really tried to not do things with magic, but… then this crazy woman almost killed you and your father made me your manservant. And suddenly, everyone tried to kill you in some way. Spelled shields, poison, monsters, enchantresses, other warlocks… hell, obviously even children are after you. Someone told me I should protect you and so I did. Or tried to. Believe me, I wanted to tell you, but there was never the right time. And you were often so… hostile about magic. So I didn’t tell you. But in the last weeks, there wasn’t a day when I didn’t think about it. But I was scared. I didn’t think you would kill me, but I was afraid you… you wouldn’t… I’m in love with you. I didn’t want to lose you.”

Merlin paused, still with closed eyes. He couldn’t hear a sound except his own heartbeat; there was no movement either.

“All right. Today… today was awful. Morgause… yes, she is a sorceress. But I don't think she enchanted you. I’ve seen it before, the Old Religion is so powerful. I really think you saw your mother today, Arthur, and…”

Sudden movement startled Merlin; he broke off and opened his eyes. Stunned, he saw Arthur race over to the table and grab his sword. Gods. So the prince would kill him… Vacantly, he watched the other man drawing the sword and going over to the door and… In the last moment, Merlin realised what was going on. He held out his hand and voiced a quick spell; the door locked immediately. Arthur tried in vain to open it. Finally, he turned around to the warlock sitting on the bed.

“Open it!”

“No. Listen, Arthur…”

“ _Open it! Now! Do you hear me?_ ”

“No. Before I open it, you have to hear me out. Your father didn’t kill your mother; he isn’t guilty of that.”

“You just said…”

“I don’t think your mother knew what happened then. Nor did your father. I knew the person guilty for what happened to your mother, and she is dead. You remember the woman at the cave, where you got the flower for me? Nimueh? She made the deal with your father. A life for a life; and I doubt she told him that. Believe me, please, I knew her. I once tried giving my life for… er… doesn’t matter. But she didn’t take my life, she almost killed my mother and then Gaius. She was evil. I don’t know everything about your birth and the deal, but as much as I hate your father… he didn’t kill your mother, I’m sure of that. He is a hypocrite, yes, and he is blinded by his hate and fear, but still… it’s not his fault that your mother is dead.”

Merlin’s shoulders slumped, he was exhausted. Beneath his lashes, he saw the prince coming his way, sword still in his hand.

“Are you sure?”

Merlin looked tiredly up at Arthur.

“Yes. I know how all that must sound to you. And I know you are not able to trust a warlock,” Merlin pointed at the sword. “Just go ahead then.”

Arthur stared at him for a minute, and then he looked at the sword as if he was surprised that he still held it in his hand. In the next second, the sword crashed to the floor and Arthur dropped on his knees in front of Merlin, grasping his arms.

“Do you really think it was my mother? Not only some image conjured by Morgause?”

“I… yes. I think it was your mother. And remember, how happy she was to see you, how proud she was… ah, Arthur.”

Merlin went down on the floor and embraced the prince, who came apart in his arms for the second time tonight. This time, he could make out some words between the sobs, “… remembered her… so happy… not enough time… never see her again…” And Merlin, feeling light hearted and saddened at the same time, held on.

After some minutes, Arthur nestled more comfortable against Merlin and hustled him slightly; looking up at him.

“A warlock, huh?”

“I’m afraid so, yes. How do you feel about that?”

Arthur gazed at him some more, then he sighed.

“Honestly? I don’t know yet. It’s a bit much today.”

Merlin bit his lips; he tried hard to stamp down on his disappointment. He knew he should feel lucky that Arthur still let him be near. But…

“I may need some time to get used to that, Merlin. But I’m grateful that you told me, especially today. I do know one thing though. As I said before, nothing can change how I feel." Then he raised an eyebrow. "Well, if you had told me you’re in love with Lancelot, I may have killed myself. But otherwise…”

For that, Merlin slapped Arthur over the head, and not too gently. Arthur smiled slightly, clearly at the end of his rope.

“So, can I say it now? Or is there something else?”

Merlin swallowed.

“No, nothing else.”

“I love you, Merlin. And I see you. I really see y…”

The rest was cut off by Merlin’s lips.

 

The End.


End file.
